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A negotiation is reserved for two parties, both of equal autonomy in possession of something the other party wants. A classic trade. Product for money, commodities between sovereign nations, more responsibilities for increased wages, a farmer wanting fresh pastures for her goats and a landowner wanting clearing of the brambles before the frost.
We can negotiate well when both parties want, or both parties need something. If one wants and the other needs, it is not a negotiation, it is a power struggle.
Don’t let the “bootstrap” brigade tell you otherwise. Being in an objectively weaker position doesn’t make one helpless. It just means we have to be aware that negotiation is indeed a luxury we sometimes can’t afford yet.
Sometimes you need to take any job so you can make rent the following month, and sometimes you’ll make desperate attempts at emotional contortion to avoid the abandonment by a partner...in those cases you are in a fight. Not a negotiation. Your nervous system detects the imbalance of power and puts you on high alert, a state in which we are notorious for making bad decisions.
We can sustain this imbalance short term, even attempt to fake away our need and pretend it’s only a want to make false progress in a saddening caricature of a negotiation, but any results will soon implode if pressured by our truths. The strategy to “fake it, ‘til we make it” is too fragile to withstand whatever monster (and ultimately treasure) is hiding behind our greatest fears.
Let me give you an example. I once literally begged someone, on my knees and all, not to leave me. He had re-triggered my abandonment trauma. It would have been more humane to just leave, instead of threatening me with the possibility of it all the time. Slowly but surely the constant threat put me in survival mode. Like a lobster being boiled alive.
I wouldn’t touch that man with a ten foot prong now. Hell, just one year later someone mentioned his name and I genuinely didn’t know who they were referring to. I was too busy creating a new life. At the time though, I was humiliated and if he had wanted to, I would have negotiated away my dignity, my apartment and possibly my whole career.
If the fear of abandonment by others drives us to abandon ourselves, we will still have been abandoned.
If the fear of failure drives us not to take a job when we need it, we will still have failed.
When reality offers such sharp edges, all the mindset coaches of the internet, the clever books and Pinterest boards seem laughable at best, and are fodder for more self-flagellation at worst. Not only will your mind be racing with the very real mental and physical shit-show vortex that comes from fearing for your existential needs (shelter, food, sleep, reciprocal love, social inclusion), you are now adding the pressure of apparently only needing the right “mindset” to get on the road to success. Additionally, you may blame yourself for evidently not having had it so far, otherwise you wouldn’t be in this position in the first place, and on and on and on.
It’s like staring down the barrel of a gun but because you’re a self-reflecting adult and love a good self-criticism, you’ve decided to hold an additional gun to your head.
If you saw someone else do this, wouldn’t your heart break for them? Wouldn’t you step in, and tell them to go easy now, and fix one problem at a time? You must do the same for yourself.
Emergency situations of the nervous system are no place for crucifying yourself for mistakes made, nor pre-judging yourself for a future not already perfectly curated.
To pretend otherwise, or for someone to claim your only problem is an attitude problem, is ignorant, dismissive, and blind to their privileged resources. So put the metaphorical gun away and deal with the barrel you’re staring down, first. If you can do that, you already have the positive, can-do mindset you need.
You can, and probably should, open the box of self-analysis later. But for now, park it.
Simply work the problem.
Humans can accomplish monumental tasks under pressure, but to do so, we must focus. One cannot negotiate for air, whilst under water. They must either be given it, or come up for it, first.
That’s important to recognize, especially if you’re the one in the more powerful position. This doesn’t mean you cannot want something from someone who simultaneously needs something from you, but it should remind you that now is the time when a little generosity goes a long way.
↠ ↠ ↠ Ok cool. I have the luxury to negotiate. What now?
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That was sort of a tough love self-help piece. Well done. And whilst I’m at it, may I suggest that you write compellingly.