07: Martyrs. A negotiation in disguise.

Martyrdom is the perfect emotional crime.

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Martyrdom is the perfect emotional crime. Most martyrs get away with it for a very, very long time.

Hopefully you will only ever face martyrs in the workplace, or in a misguided friendship. If it appears with your loved ones though, know that even though pain is inevitable, suffering is optional. All you can do is try and develop the resilience it demands when they eventually die on their hill, or come to you for retribution.

Not wanting to engage with the shaming inflicted by martyrdom does not mean you lack empathy, or cannot feel sorry for someone. In fact, many martyrs do deserve our compassion, because if a soul goes to such extreme coping mechanisms for safety, it is often shame that sits deep within them. Guilt and shame are easily distinguishable by the way. Guilt feels like “I have done something bad”. Shame feels like “I am bad”. And why wouldn’t we have compassion for someone who believes they ARE bad?

My mum used to wallow in the fact that she was the only one taking care of the house. According to her, not doing our laundry ourselves was proof we didn’t love her. (Escalate much?) We did (and still do) love our mum. So we did the laundry. But now, doing the laundry was us trying to prove that she wasn’t a good enough carer and that the household had slipped away from her and how dare we prove our Dad’s argument in the divorce proceedings. We were the devil’s spawn whether we did or didn’t do the laundry. I’d find workarounds like going to school with bathing suits under my clothes, because I could wash them in the sink or just shower with them.

I was a dependant, so I found solutions.

You’re an adult. Resist the urge to jump in with a solution. Remember: you are not responsible for rescuing a martyr. In fact, you cannot rescue a martyr by definition as their whole existential purpose is not to be rescued. What they want you to do is to be a witness. It is your decision whether you watch the show or not.

If you choose to stay put, or have to stay put, you are now in a place where you have to watch someone live in denial or fear of their purpose as they are handing over all self-agency and responsibility to others and thus, inevitably live in a perpetual state of suffering and disappointment.

If you choose not to bear witness, and take on precisely the kind of self responsibility a martyr deflects onto others, they will squirm and see it not only as proof that their suffering is righteous as they are left alone with their particular burden, but they will make sure to brand you as cruel and a bad person, because how can you walk away from someone who is “suffering”?

It is the ultimate double bind, in which you simply cannot win.

If you cannot, or do not want to walk away from someone who is in the grips of martyrdom (yet), the best practical thing you can try and do, is hand them back their agency:

First, acknowledge their suffering.

Then, know that they have chosen their greater cause.

Finally ask them what their next choice will be.

If you have to deal with someone who is a martyr at work, or in your circle of friends, simply choose not to negotiate with them. If asked why you’re disengaging, try and avoid the reactive urge to justify yourself.

In the case of two-hours-sleep-Jeanette, the response may be:

“Hm. That sucks Jeanette. What are you going to do about it?”

If you have to deal with a martyr within your family or your relationship, where you deeply love the person and it physically hurts you having to watch their self inflicted suffering, the impossibility of this dynamic can truly break people. I know because it almost broke me.

In the case of your loved one, you may say:

“I’m really sorry this is happening to you. What would you like to do about it?”

Read that again. It is not: “What would you like me to do about it?”, it is: “What are you going to do about it?”.

Hand martyrs back their agency!
If they evade their choice, and instead keep pushing you for a reaction, simply say:

“I don’t negotiate with martyrs.”

As a young girl I clumsily told my mum a version of:

“I’m really sorry, I can’t help you with that. Do you want to find someone who can?”

It broke my heart that she never did.

Fortunately, people are more than one thing, so seeing you, and hopefully other people in their lives, move past them when they go into martyr mode may trigger some sort of unravelling of the victimhood. My mum didn’t make it, even though I know she tried in her own way.

I’ve long forgiven mum as I understand her now, and I love her even more now for all the beautiful things she did give us. But it was equally regrettable and inevitable that I had to move forward.

If it’s not a loved one but a work situation, you must find someone else to negotiate with or go spend some time with alpacas instead...they’re just as self-righteous, but at least they’re fluffy.

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↠ ↠ ↠ Ok. I won’t negotiate with cowards, potential-ists, unable people or martyrs. What now?

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↠ ↠ ↠ If you’d like to support my cats catnip - and my own coffee problem, we very much appreciate it:

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↠ ↠ ↠ Know someone who might care?