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The kings and queens of the double bind.
When I worked in the film industry there was a particularly challenging branch of colleagues who would always manage to out-suffer everyone. Film production, especially during shooting time, is a very high pressure environment. It’s a time constricted hot pot full of egos, with both real and imagined sensitivities, with all its edges rubbing shoulders with the constraints of the real world. I have never worked on a movie where there wasn’t at least one person crying and another having a tantrum at some point. I’d show up to set after four hours of sleep, with no chance of making it to the catering truck for a coffee because someone had lost a key to the truck that needed moving, or a driver had gone to the wrong hotel for a talent pickup, and the hair and makeup truck was leaking water onto the prized wigs all night. Oh, and even if I had made it to catering they’d inform me that their truck doesn’t have the correct cable attachment and they have no power.
So we’d fix it all, hopefully still in time to be ready for rehearsal call, until some kindly electrician would comment on how tired you looked. You’d respond with “yeah well...only had 4hrs last night cause we had to...” and as if summoned by the demons of comparison, this commentary was inevitably cue for someone to say “well, I only had two hours of sleep, because...” Alright, shut up Jeanette, we get it, you have it worst and you work hardest.....insert enormous internal eye roll.
In my early twenties I would be hugely impressed by how hard the Jeanettes of this world worked and would wonder if I should work just as hard so I’d get hired for the next job. Until I noticed that everyone who did, would end up in an arms race on “who’s running on the least amount of sleep and most amount of energy drinks and cigarettes”.
They didn’t, in fact, get much more work done. Later on, I realized that actually, we were doing something very wrong in our jobs, or the system we were in was operating extremely dysfunctionally, if we had to operate this ineffectively.
But you may never mention this to Jeanette and her disciples. Since they...are martyrs.
Martyrs would rather die on that hill of virtue-signalling values than change their ways. Because their goal is not the work, not the solution to a problem, not the learning of new skills. Their goal is perpetual suffering for an often ostensibly good cause, as it makes them feel righteous.
In personal relationships and families martyrdom is often much harder to spot. It may sound like (with varying degrees of deep sighs and pseudo demure puppy eyes):
“I guess I care more than you”,
“If you say so”,
“If you truly loved me, you’d appreciate everything I do for you”, and worst of all:
“Fine.”
The etymology of martyrdom: Ancient Greek Origin: Greek: μάρτυς (mártus) → Meaning: “witness”
In ancient Greek, a mártus was simply someone who gave testimony or evidence, especially in a legal or judicial setting. In early Christianity, the word took on a spiritual and theological meaning. A mártus became someone who bore witness to their faith — and specifically, someone who did so under threat or persecution. Over time, it came to mean someone who was killed for their testimony of faith — turning “witness” into “one who dies for the truth”.
Jeanette feels as though quite literally, she is dying for her truth. What greater sense of righteousness can one have? Martyrdom, especially when used to emotionally shame someone, is quite cruel:
“Oh you think you’re suffering? This is nothing. Look at how much more I am willing to suffer for the greater cause”, is the core message of a martyr.
Martyrdom’s lifeline is the publicizing of its own suffering. A martyr is only affirmed in their value if there is an audience.
Some especially skilled martyrs will suffer in silence for as long as possible to eventually weaponize their quiet suffering:
If you notice the quiet suffering and mention it, because you hope it will ease their suffering, you inadvertently only encourage it, because you have now given affirmation and accolade to their righteous ways: “Oh, it’s nothing, anything for ‘insert greater cause’”.
If you notice it and do not mention it, you are a villain who has confirmed their righteous ways: “Look at me giving up myself for *greater cause* and they don’t even appreciate it. I will take the high road and not say anything, ever, so they have to watch me wither away and die under their very own eyes / under their watch, and it will be on their conscience / I’ll show them...”
If you try and confront a martyr by pointing out their methods, they will either deny deny deny, or point out your inferiority because unlike them, you: “don’t seem to have a greater cause, otherwise you would not try and destroy them, but recognize their greatness”.
So what is one to do?
How do we deal with the double bind, when we can’t escape its creator?
↠ ↠ ↠ Ok, but I HAVE to deal with a martyr. What now?
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