Important note:
”Out of Bounds” Section intro: Go to “Read me first” in publication. “Out of Bounds” has some ski stories, but it’s really about life off the mountain. If that’s not what you came for, you can unsubscribe from this section alone and keep Ski Patrol Notes. Ski Patrol stories will continue in winter.
In case you are unsure if someone is genuinely unable to negotiate, here is the empathetic review of the three cases in which it might be so:
A circumstantial inability may be because you currently have duty of care. Trying to negotiate with a 5 year old to put on fresh long johns because it’s winter and he just peed himself, is a bad idea. Just help the kid out.
A physical inability may be that someone is heavily sedated after a forearm fracture but is adamant he can ride down on the bike himself because he “...totally can ride a unicycle”. Also, no point in negotiating with him, just hide the damn bike.
An emotional inability to negotiate may occur when we are in the midst of emotional upheaval. When tragedy or chaos hits, and we get engulfed in emotional pain. Our horizon of the future must become much smaller to continue forward. Sometimes even as small as just the next minute. Being pushed into a negotiation on the broader strokes of the future in that state, feels like a threat to one’s very existential safety.
Now you may argue, in the case of my potential-ist ex, that imagining himself in a negotiation with me about our future, put him slap-bang in the middle of the emotional inability category, because maybe it triggered some core wound he is terrorized by.
True. The answer to someone who cannot negotiate for air because they are suffocating, is generosity and grace. However, if the situation isn’t acute anymore, if it isn’t an emergency anymore but a chronic ailment, if a deadline was set and missed, we must attempt confrontation with the monstrous shadow.
Because letting yourself be terrorized, may make you the terrorist for others.
As a young woman I was often told not to be so impatient, not to fight, not to cry at the Greenpeace commercials about the whales getting hurt, to just shut up and do like smarter people do, not to rage against my Mum’s mental health issues, and to generally “be nicer, calmer and not so sensitive”.
I had night terrors (still do sometimes) of being either choked into silence, or ignored into oblivion. My insides felt like death by ignorance. Worse than death actually, because to die, you need to have existed first. I sometimes felt like I was floating in a pitch black void, with even the void denying my presence. The void was both outside and around me, as well as inside me. And it was infinite. I tried to claw my way out of the void and into existence by all means. Overdelivering on both good-ness and anarchy, underdelivering on existential duties like sleep and kindness towards others and myself. Drinking, partying, changing jobs, men, location - all at lightning speed.
I knew if I stopped and looked at the void I would die. It wasn’t just insurmountably hard or scary, it was an existential threat. So I kept clawing for sweet relief, and I hurt people.
My sister and brother, some friends who aren’t anymore, and I’m sure there are a few broken hearts along the trail I have unironically forgotten.
However, one of the many, many attempts at salvation eventually hooked the tiniest latch, and it was a combination of preparation, timing, circumstance, and crucially, the right therapist, who helped me look at the void. Together.
I’m still fast, I still like to party and I still change location a lot, but the void and I are best buds these days. His name is Sandro and we hang out sometimes.
So even in the worst of times, the worst attempt at solution, the most meager push for understanding, the weakest effort of helping yourself is more courageous than the cowardice of neglect.
Emotional inability to negotiate ALWAYS hinges on the unable person wanting to help themselves. They may not make it on time, by the book or alone, but if they’re willing, they’ll get there.
This free will is the core of our existence. Dante Alighieri, who wrote the ‘Inferno’, knew it, the Bible knows it, modern clinical psychology knows it, most spiritual practices preach it, heck, even Taylor Swift sings about it.
So if you see someone emotionally unable, but trying - give them grace and negotiate gently. If they're emotionally unable and blocked - step away…softly.
Which brings me to one additional, particularly notorious player it is futile to negotiate with: Martyrs.
↠ ↠ ↠ Ok cool. What about martyrs?
↠ ↠ ↠ If you’d like to support my cats catnip - and my own coffee problem, we very much appreciate it:
↠ ↠ ↠ Know someone who might care?