Important note:
”Out of Bounds” Section intro: Go to “Read me first” in publication. “Out of Bounds” has some ski stories, but it’s really about life off the mountain. If that’s not what you came for, you can unsubscribe from this section alone and keep Ski Patrol Notes. Ski Patrol stories will continue in winter.
“I know I should work on these things, and I will, because I love you, but I just can’t yet.”
I have an ex, who was insistent that the reason our relationship was not working was because of my emotional instability, whilst also admitting that he was too avoidant and clearly had some deep-seated issues (specifically with his mother). Whilst I threw myself into the problem, trying to fix myself and coming to the unfortunate yet inevitable conclusion, that yes, it must all be my fault, he told me that even though we “suffered some unfortunate incidents” (inflicted by me) during our relationship, it reasonably and realistically cannot be accurate that it is all my fault, and that he knows he should be doing the work on his end, yet he just doesn’t want to...yet.
When I was in kindergarten I would spend my summer afternoons standing in the garden watering the rocks. I had seen my mum water the flowers and they’d grow big and beautiful, so I figured if I ever wanted my very own mountain in the backyard, there was only one way. I had to water the rocks.
Banking on someone’s potential instead of believing what they show you is like watering a rock. Admirable, and kinda cute, but heartbreakingly futile.
Behaviour is a language. If someone says they care, but acts like they don’t, even if they themselves truly believe both, over time, people are how they act, not who they say they are.
The “unfortunate incident” was me losing my shit and eventually hyperventilating into a full blown panic attack landing myself in an ambulance while out in the city. My mum had passed away a few weeks prior in an emotionally quite violent way, I had severe abandonment issues (oddly unrelated to my mother’s death) and he had just told me that he was considering leaving me, because I was not the fun, joyous outgoing person I was when we first met. Again, my mum had just died.
After many months of blaming mostly myself and trying to negotiate a new deal between us, I failed miserably. In the end, I was stuck with his things in my apartment because he had moved to Canada and simply left what he didn’t want in his new life. Myself included.
The emotional warfare that ensued is another story, but one of the things that pissed me off the most, was that I had to literally - take out his garbage for him. And if you happen to live in Europe you know how retentively anal our recycling system is, so it took weeks on end.
Refusing to negotiate implies that you would be able to, if you wanted to. It’s a particularly manipulative version of stonewalling, one that exploits the other party’s trust in future potential. It’s quite cruel really.
Giving hope for a future negotiation could mean that you will be negotiated with at some point down the line, but still should be given a severely limited life span. In my experience, one moon cycle. One month. One season. One switching of the tides. Whatever feels natural to you. Any longer than that, and you are not in a negotiation, you are in a stalemate, usually enabling weaponized learned helplessness.
There are as many variations of these two core statements (“I know I should”, “I can’t yet”) as there are people. Even though it is admirable to believe in someone, we have to be super careful not to let perceived potential overrule required action.
The tipping point is this:
If we don’t negotiate...will you be left with someone else’s shit to clean up?
Or, if it’s you who’s avoiding the negotiation, will they be left picking up your slack?
↠ ↠ ↠ I’m all action over potential. What now?
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↠ ↠ ↠ Know someone who might care?